The end of winter was exhausting.

And trying to begin writing anything about it brings me down.

I feel this exhaustion in my lungs, my belly, my knees.

In moments like that, I be kind to myself. I breathe deeply. I let it out — I make time and space to let my emotions process themselves. I ask for clarity on what my learning is here and what I can do that is most loving. I stay focused but don’t push myself. I connect to myself. I do not abandon myself.

I announce to myself out loud, “I am Done.” And sit quietly listening to the silent response that follows my frustration and my own desire to take care of myself. I listen for the consequences of my own words and thoughts. I set my intentions on following through as best I can and navigate all the possible outcomes in my mind. “Only act in love and light for everyone.”

I don’t live among trees, yet! I would love to and I look forward to planting trees. They take very long. A friend was able to sprout an apricot and pine seed and the sprouts are beautiful.

According to the locals, this winter has been very mild. It was bearable for hubs and I. We had to compromise on our heater usage because he gets very warm quickly and I like it warmer. We had our water freeze up in the house if we weren’t home a whole day and similarly in the mornings on the colder days. It was beautiful when the snow would cover everything and the icicles glistened in the sun. The tiny icicles on the blades of the leaves, twigs and ground look like glitter. It’s fun to see footprints in the snow too. Now we know where the rabbits and dormice go and that we have coyotes not very far from our place.

In December, I had hit a deer while driving to work. I could not avoid it but I learnt something so important to me. We do no drive on these roads alone and these roads aren’t ours. We share them with the wild life and have to watch out for them too. We had a quiet, cozy Christmas with some snow and gifts from home.

In January, we took time off work to visit hubs’ parents in Arizona and I got my driver’s license too. My sisters both moved in to their own places, all within a week! That is a huge change for my family. Over here, Hubs and I put up baffles in the ceiling and finally got the condensation on the ceiling to stop! The baffles provide a little more insulation and has grooves in it to facilitate better air flow, preventing “moisture-laden air” from accumulating on the ceiling structure.

February was our attempt to celebrate a few things — my first year since arriving, our first full year together, valentines, our wedding anniversary, Chinese new year — but it was foiled… our car broke down (our tires burst, twice in a week) and we got quite a fair bit of snow. Hubs had been talking about building a loft in the house and I wasn’t completely sure what he had in his mind, but he finally did it in one single day. It has changed the space tremendously. One thing I love about our house is how high the ceiling is. Now half of the house has two levels, but both very low ceilings, taking me back to the days we were living in the van. Building the loft did open up a lot more space in the house and while I miss the easy access to our bed, this is an exciting change and much better use of space. Hubs is becoming better at building and I am amazed at his plans for ensuring the loft is stable. It has also brought back the beams in the ceiling that I love but which were covered once we put in the insulation.

March has been a fair month but our car broke down again. We had to get it towed this time because the lug nuts had been sliced off while we were on the highway. Thankfully we were able to rent a vehicle for the week and get it fixed. It has become too costly for us to fix it and getting a new vehicle is priority. Back at the house, we made pizza for the first time using a gas oven! And finally, Hubs got a job offer!

I was under a lot of pressure this past season. Looking back, a lot of good stuff happened. I felt driven to work and keep things going “as usual” but really, I was having a difficult time and I accepted it. I was the only one working since October. It’s been five months and we were stretching our savings.

I learn that I can’t control how I feel. I cannot control what goes on around me and that they affect me, and I cannot control all of what goes on inside of me. My emotional, mental and biochemical reactions are something I have to ride out. I can however choose what I want and do in each moment. It’s really difficult and painful at times, when it gets very tough. It’s especially stressful if I do all my decision making while I’m in low spirits and believe that whatever I do in this moment now will affect my future. I can’t say what’s right or wrong, but I have experienced things being bad one moment and fine the next. There must be a bigger picture.